Convincing

Wow.

I felt so invigorated after my first post. I felt so excited about the idea of releasing my thoughts in the form of written words. I had ideas for the next SEVERAL blog posts swirling (and I mean REALLY swirling) around in my head.

And here I am, 18 days later, finally finding a minute to sit down. This is the bi-product of mommying work.

Anyway, I digress.

On June 9, 2010 I discovered that what I really want more than anything is to be a stay-at-home mom.

I realize now that I have spent my entire life convincing myself that being a working mom was WAY better than being a stay-at-home mom. I spent my childhood, teenhood, youngadulthood... all the hoods right up until the actual mommyhood collecting evidence to support my theories.

I had to--it's been a lifelong survival mechanism.

I, too, am the daughter of a working mom.

The Evidence:
I paid attention as the stay-at-home moms in our neighborhood watched my working mom load us (and any other kid who wanted to come along) up into the car at every opportunity during summer breaks or school holidays to go on some fabulous adventure or another. I beamed as one of the stay-at-home moms told my mom years later that they actually resented my mom as they were always just too burnt out to have the energy or desire to do much other than exist. They recognized that my mom made such an effort because she was a working mom and had to make the most of her time with us.

I vividly remember having what seemed to be a deal-breaker conversation with my college boyfriend as we discussed our future life and plans for children. (This is what you do when you're 21 and have been with the same person for THREE WHOLE YEARS!) He said something about the idea that I would take care of the kids while he worked... i.lost.it. With one fell swoop, he kicked over all of the convincing blocks I'd spent my whole life using to build my working-moms-are-best fortress. "What?! Are you SEEEE-rious!? Do you REALLY think I'm getting all of this education just to stay at HOME!? Are you inSANE!?" Long story short, that was probably the beginning of the end of any future planning. His mom had stayed at home and it suddenly became clear that we were on very opposite sides of that particular fence.

Slightly after the demise of aforementioned relationship yet while still in college, I worked as a pseudo-nanny for lovely family with a stay-at-home mom. Mom had her PhD in biochemistry but had made the decision to stay at home with her three young children. I respected her but was completely baffled by such a decision. I mean, I was just rocked to the core because my boyfriend suggested that I would stay at home after four long, hard years getting a degree in music education!! How could you just walk away from a PhD in biochemistry!? Anyway, Mom frequently talked with me about her feelings regarding the loss of her career. Oftentimes, when I took care of the children, it was so that she could actually go and "hang out" at the lab and visit with her academic friends. I convinced myself she was practically miserable with her decision to stay at home.

The stories could obviously go on with increasing levels of drama.

Working as a mom at home is not currently an option for me. I knew it coming into this thing, but the convincing I'd spent my whole life doing took on greater meaning when the lines showed up on the stick.

"It will be better for my child to be around other children..." "24/7 parenting is stressful and tiring! I'll be a much better mom for getting away each day to work..." "My child will learn things in daycare that I could never possibly teach her myself..." I can ashamedly admit that until the day that I walked back into work, I went so far as to judge mothers who stay at home. That's the degree to which I had been convincing.

But then I held that little baby in my arms and now I wish that I, too, was at home.

When I stopped working so hard at convincing, I realized that there really is no reason for debate, it just is what it is.

I can say with my hand on my heart that it's not because or despite the fact that my mom worked that I turned out ok. I've never once in my life believed that my mom loved me any less than she possibly could have just because she worked, nor do I think she would have loved me any more or less had she stayed at home. Staying at home was not a choice for her just as it's not a choice for me and that's just all there is to it.

This isn't about what's best for my daughter. She'll be just fine. I can completely honestly see the benefits to her being in daycare. She absolutely ADORES other children. Just WATCHING older children play has her in absolute fits of laughter--I've got some sweet video of her laughing like a crazy person at a couple of random boys playing in some leaves at a rest area if you need some proof! She's totally outgoing, will smile at everyone and anyone and has this fantastic habit of brightening everyone's day.

I give so much of the credit to the wonderful women who love her and care for her while I work and the little people there who are already her friends. The other day when she was dropped off at daycare, my husband was touched to observe three little friends waiting and excited to see her. One little guy tickled her toes as she was carried in while another little one ran off and brought her her knew most favoritest walker. You can't buy that stuff!

At this point, I can admit that this is not at all about her and what's best for her. I can put the convincing to rest. This is entirely about me. It's my loss and struggle that I'm here to lament, not hers.